avenue of thought.

the nights that i spend strolling along the solid ground keeps me from falling through, all i want is to just feel the warmth arise straight up into my body. the silence of the cars passing by leaves me alone, i shut my eyes and picture the place that i find peace at, my mind is not at ease its filled with disconnected feelings. the porch i wish i could just rest my worries on subsides from my ideals, this rough tug into my heart is hard to seal away. im pushed to the point where i've reached my hollowed out soul and there it is, the remains of a confused border not knowing where to make the incision, and how to exactly make it straight.
i deny the takeover of loss, the presence of dawn has uncovered itself it shines to show me the way. as i pull up the black signs in the sand skim over the top of my layed out thoughts. the graze onto my sensitive skin, ignites the brutally cold blows onto my neck, im closed and open to the sensation of new shivers that are temptingly dripping slowly down every inch of my back, as it taps into my brain, second by second i stop and pause turning to the direction of the unpredictable noises im caught off guard by the image, the image of something blurred. the travel of my focus outward leads me to the lake, and the reflection of the moons glory shines upon the still water marking a path of wonders straight to my stance. at this very moment, 10 : 12.. i know i am meant to be here, through all the heartaches and headaches, i know that this is it, there is no side street to walk onto, no broken yellow rectangles on the road to follow, this is now.
and no matter how bad the burns sting, i can't change it.
i can only hope, embrace and try... to make my way through it.
so here i am, please just find thee a way.

to you i owe.

its the last call out through my stares... im closing the shutters of my eyes, the stream of watered losses collides down my face.
finding the relief as i just sit back and listen to the voice of the man who makes me feel nothing but raw and bare, stripped to the stone cold flesh of who i am.
know that i would travel from new york to victoria with my foot to the ground, if i knew it would make you see the lengths you mean to me. the journey you've put me on, placed me on is the one i will remember, the sunset horizon i need to feel is there when i think of you.
but having the stamp of being your beating, exhausting bullet into your chest, has left me with the twisting sting of failure, this hard surface i shot into myself feels right.
its right to know that i let this bottled up eternal spark of rarity go, cause i am no where near the boundaries of what it deserves to be released to.
the unbarring thought of witnessing and embracing such a state that makes me feel on top of this incredible world, that makes me feel free, appreciated and loved, stabs my soul and infects it with regret.
i said my greatest fear was to regret, and this is the one and only regret that i cant ever be mad at, because i know its for you.
sorry for the flood i've poured into your mind, sorry for the pebbles i've made you stumble on, sorry for being me..
i hope one day this path to the end will pick up, cause i will always have it there, waiting.
but i cant blame the world if it turns upside down, and shatters, i cant blame you for protecting your gift that you need to save.
i cant decide it.
the one thing i can feel is that i dont ever want you to be lost, i will forever be placed in a hole of voids if i couldnt hear your thoughts everyday.. but its up to you.
i leave my words to you, cause that is what i owe.
this is for you.
this atmosphere has no meaning to me if it aint got you in it, know that.
goodbye.
-big blue, tiny red.

i lay in the parallels of two worlds.
and the one common thing that travels through the seams is that the grass will always grow and change, but once the final blow out of a childs mouth is used, the side paths to where i was heading will soon disappear.
the red choke of the grid magnifies into my sight, i see the pattern beginning to fall into play, its all to predictable.
all that is lacking consistence serves a splurge of persistence, the plays of scatter slashes onto the walls leaves marks of your permanence, i need something that will stay, stay as clay so i can trace out the lines of words with my fingertips along the coarse ridged surface, motion by motion its imprinting onto my skin the feeling of meaning.
i want to hear the sound of taps on a hollowed out surface... so i can close my eyes and be placed in the rounds of something steady.
i see the curve of growth, life, and reality.. but i fear the crumbles of this slate of ice... and all i can spot is the view of going downhill.
i tumble onto my back down the rocks, one skid after the other, im bruised with these marks of loss, the borders of the wounds leave me with the restriction to never regret, never regret the choices we are forced to make, the steady pulsation my mind is in leaves me staring blankly out into the uneven highs and lows of the mismatched treelines.
as i follow the seperation between the shades of palest blues to the blackest greens i am stopped by my knee high lengths of water at my legs and im forced under, under the tide...
after the battle of escape, im now confined to the surrender of change.. i've floated on, on and on down the choppy movement of the waves, the toll its taken, it releases my frustration and paranoia and turns them to helplessness.
im done.
take what you need from this rack of used affairs, cause all i feel inside is empty sorrows of distant wallows.
so grab the hands of something worth while, and imbrace it, dont ever lose the grip.. cause life is there to lather up the reins for slipage, all i ask is to sustain this state of fulfillment...
so don't you see?...
we just need to be left at sea.

no other way.

The infusion of the thick mud with the stream of stale rain water separates your will power as a human, to my weakness of selfishness.
the content stage I stood on made me solid at where I was at, I was on the hill while you were fighting the pill.
the force i felt when our eternal connection broke, took me into the spiral of fogged beliefs my though preconceived image of my ideal life, had you in it. YOU.
the denial of my invitation.. I understood, and I understand what you want.
this lost light of direction is blocked by doubt and reality, you supply me everything I needed to be better, you believe in me.
But I failed, i know i failed at you, not being able to return the gift i'm so grateful for.
I failed at delivering the words you deserve, but if what I wanted to say fell short of perfection I could not, and will not give them to you.
this is my loss. my grievance.
well I can give you this.. I know what i've lost, now that it's long gone...

here it goes.

wow.
lets get this all out.
i hate that you frustrate me.
you never let me just be in it. you rushed me.
expected me to be the same always. you left me there.. regretting ever move i made..

...

create a mural that spreads across my vision. that blasts the sounds of beating drums into my soul, let it pound at my eyes to seal them shut, the extended length of consistency brings light to the darkness, when the line of comfort is slashed with white dust that's filled with a bowl of careless means, the mind gradually shuts into a state of black paint. it blocks the works of life, the wheel of change, the row of growth. i am stuck.
lead me to the river, where the stream is fused with wildlife, bring me to the open land where the all is flattened into the dirt, show me the lens that brings me to the ground of our oblivious treasures.
the road that we are on takes us no where, where is the meaning, why is the fight we are sweating bring such disappointment to our lives.
start where the trees have grown, end where the wind has blown.
at this stand still of emotions, all i can do is fly my kite without a fright.

the shine to my steel.

The attempt to wipe the slate clean of stains scubbed out the fear in my world.
The chance to walk off the cliff into happiness has never been clearer. I stumble towards the opaque rocks in midst of blinding my path to temptation of the endless water, the odd shaped jumble of particles tugs at my inner light.
I caught the chain of change, the vast spectrum of colours that are introduced in such a unexpected way peel back my tinted harsh thoughts into the new world, the new age to my old.
Each section to my whole, is scatter across the rigid peaks and lows of life, the past is torched by memories, the present is graced with time and the future is left a open chance.. to try.
the pay off to my limb, has brought me to a new day, I once again will try and change whats been sealed and shipped.