i miss the care.
i need the strength.

im lost,
wheres the brightside.

our body lies along the grid like road.

i can not help but look at the memories,
that are so vivid in feeling, because my chest begins to pound up and through to my eyes, as the tears bleed out.
i know, that the stones we laid out together, are real.
they were the best times, and i didn't even see it.
i can see the marks on my heart that peel back to a field of happy hi's, and gorgeous goodbye's .
but i will never be able to explain, how,
how we manage to get here.
somewhere, i never predicted. somewhere, i never thought existed.
reading the ink mark of words i have on my wall, of how we never will break, and of how i feel this rarity of relationship has evolved and sprouted to exciting heights.
i just sit and stare.
tracing back to the talks. to the moments of exact happiness. to the seconds that prove to be our last.
i can not even begin to fathom the thought of you just forgetting me.
cause tonight, i laid in bed. listening to all that brings me back to us.
and reading, seeing, watching.
the thread...
the chain.
of us.
and i see the arms of this connection, spreading.
please, retract back.
because i know i'm scared, to throw this away. and scared of the fact that you already have.
i dont want to feel lost, with you.
i want to smooth my hands across these coarse, rough sheets.
and let them blow with the wind, so that they are open to the eye of forgiveness.
cause i am sorry.
can we just sit, and spill our insides to the searing sun.
and clear the clouds that have fucked with our minds.
i just want to hear everything.
i want to feel bare.
... i can only have faith that there is that little speck inside of you.
that has the strength to hear me out.
and try to begin to repair,
the scattered dots, we think have flown and blown away.
so i take this knife, and slice through my built up shield,
cause that is what i need to do.
for you,
to see this does not have to run astray.
... please,
save a line.
for me.

down the river.

the passing of a night where all that is in the room is freedom instantly becomes unforgettable.
where the light is only placed upon those that are worth seeing.
i am put into this mood of complete surrealism, a point where i see myself arriving to,
all i want to do is just soak in all the carelessness yet controlled actions of a spark that is so spontaneously unexpected.
the flag of warning, can't help but be raised.
i need to find a path, out.
out of cautiousness, out of hesitance.
with every moment that presents itself, i need to just jump.
and not be afraid of the fall.
cause all that is left from my overrated contemplated thoughts is that you have already slipped,
slipped straight through my fingers.
but the constant showing of your unfamiliar surprises,
lets me down.
knowing the strength of this once tightly tied rope, has quickly frayed and ripped
directly down the middle.
we take steps back that uncontrollably exists within our feet.
with the split sides of rope remaining on the ground,
all we both can do,
is just stare...
cause neither one of us can find that person who once
cared.
so lets just spare, to know
that we both have changed, cause thats fair.
all that was there,
has i guess just gone into the air.
... but the memories that lay,
will never be too far away.

i need something.

please, make me feel i mean more to you than this... silence.
the trembles i get, as i hear the words.
the shaking of my hand as i go to brush the tears,
i am driven to the pits of pain, i lay in silence... and just let my heart beat. beat. beat.
as the bitter taste fills my mouth, it attacks my heart. the tip of the dagger, slits into the one place i know is left.
the racing of the thoughts picking at my brain covers my desire to go on.
with the freezing of the ground around me, there's so much underneath it, that i just want to expose. but second by second, i have to realize, it does not wait, it does not care for what i feel.
i will smash my soul into the solid stones on the floor, because it has up and left. away.
taken away.
the reality of something new, shedding across your sky...
brings me only to the roof,
as i lay my broken body along the rim of it, i drop my arm down the side... swaying it, saying, let all just fall, let all just fall...
there is no feeling left in me, as half of me has subsided over the edge, i look up at the stars.
the hope, that touches my eyes, sends the tears to release onto my face, uncontrollably flowing down.
i just close the lids of the pain, i feel.
opening all my limbs to the patterns of roof, that once was my safety, i just want to be able to breathe, to catch that last inhale of my one true happiness. i begin to feel the air in my chest, as my heart fills up.... the force of something else has stopped me... stopped all i can feel, and has tortured it to make me feel sour inside, the slow dripping of loss collapses me.
i can only fall, to escape this taste of being unwanted.
the place where i am burned,
where the unknown is my blood.
you've left me there.
the words i can only imagine to say to you, takes over my life.
so many wishes of wanting to just sit and say to you all i have for you.
but the harsh slaps across my face scar me, cause you don't want it.
you are in the light of someone else...
the ray of that truth, has killed every ounce of love i have saved for you.
i am forever stuck in this crack of regret.
i am sorry.
for the time you've wasted on me, but it has meant the world to me.
that your stars were able to shine on me.
if this is what you need, i will walk on, walk away.
for you.
i just want you to look out that window, that i once stared out of, and see...
all the talks.
all the hugs.
all the moments.
all the hopes.
all the trips.
all the plans.
all the kisses.
all the times...
and all the love.
all i think and feel when i see you is,
all the times you held my face in your hands... i knew i was loved...
or the times where we caught the light, of our love, in each others eyes and just blink to know what we feel is mutual... it was there, burning inside of us.
but the blocking of knowing that moment has gone into the past, knowing you have fell into the hands of another, blinding me all this time.
will forever hurt me.
seeing your faces across my life, unphased by the pain so tender, to you and i.
the one thing i thought would never come, you are doing.
i will leave you to your space.
but know not one minute of my day is not spent on you.
you have honestly broken me, because you can't even begin to care or speak to me.
and you have ran away, when i am still standing here, with all of me in my hands to give.
and in my eyes all i see is that i am waiting,
and you have long gone.
so i have nothing left, but to face the facts i see. because you have lead me to no other place, but here.
i will let you be.
i just need to know, what is left.
please grab the spark i left with you, on that paper,
it would kill me if we are so far gone that you couldn't read it.
all that you mean to me was poured into that.
if knowing that was the last time i could tell you how much you mean to me, i would never be able to stop.
but the black blanket, you have pained me to cover my heart with, blinds and fools me, into thinking you would be the one to show me how much you care for me.
because all that is currently clear in my mind is that our light was not bright enough for you, for you to continue on with.
i hate that you can't even bring yourself to me..
i cant help but think i don't even cross you mind, or your heart.
cause your all that stays inside of me.
if you are happy, let me go.
because i am in hell,
in hell of knowing what i had is being replaced.
... as i reach out to you,
unknowing if you will even take this..
or even were willing to explain anything to me, or if you have simply just moved on, and left me with this piercing heartache.
let me know.
because the actions you take, are eternally damaging my heart.
cut me off this rope, i have placed around my life.
cause till then, i will be there hanging... hanging...
forever, on.

let me.

just look.

Maybe I'm blind, maybe I'm blind
Oh I couldn't see you shine
And shimmer right in front of my eyes
Front of my eyes, oh no

I thought I saw light, thought I saw light
Oh it was a faded mirror, just a dim reflection
But you shine, you shine so much brighter, oh


And honey let me sing you a song
And listen to my words as they come out wrong
But don't run away, run away this time
(And) honey let me look in your eyes
You open them one at a time
But don't look away, look away this time

Open your mind, open your mind
And let your beauty flow like wine
But please don't leave me,
Don't leave me outside, leave me outside, oh no

And honey I'll try, honey I'll try
To hold you like the starry skies
We lay beneath tonight
And you shine, you shine so much brighter, oh


And honey let me sing you a song
And listen to my words as they come out wrong
But don't run away, run away this time
Oh, and honey let me look in your eyes
You open them one at a time
But don't look away, don't look away
Don't look away, don't look away oh

And honey let me sing you a song
And listen to my words as they come out wrong
But don't run away, run away this time
Honey let me look in your eyes
Oh they burn like fire
But don't look away, look away this time
But don't look away, look away this time
Don't look away, look away this time

i miss you.

7c40.

the feeling of shedding a mask.
As we are shot into the overload of the fall winds, a reveal of independence is brushed to the surface.
with the sights of a new world in the distance, i walk closer.
a new witness brought to the community of life begins to observe, now under the spotlight of a scattered supported box, a cold tickles the necks of many as they are now focused to the girl above.
a spotted cement circle in which i want to lay my mind on is spreading its way into me, the sight of the mundane stone sets within minutes.
the motion of the lines run constant, the lines guide me into thinking that we are central.
we are within our own boundaries, the first steps into a new territory has lifted me to feel revamped, the sounds of hard stones in contact with the bottom of shoes has pattered a breaking down of the old.
with the hope and new movement of clearance, the intriguing warmth covers my face, its broken through.
typicality blows away, down the back alleys of the busy streets.
its smashed and thrown into the fallen bricks, that are inevitably mended with the molded pavement, it then gets lost in the rubble and soon begins to be forgotten.
a unrolling of dust covers our bodies out in the cold, we feel willing, willing to bare the cycle.
a rotating sense of unforced connection gains momentum as it travels on, up the stairs, through the ridged cracks, to a new start.
a shelter of hidden gems has fallen off the poles of support.
we have jumped into the cycle that we feel will bring us something worthy.
the contact of touching something that was once thought to be a rainbow of gold ice has evolved into a scene of white waves,
the shot of comfort begins to fill my eyes with tears.
finally.
i have found it,
that feeling of complete satisfaction, with myself, with what i want, with you.
as i stare out past the barriers of my hesitant thoughts , i see a view, a view so strong that it breaks them into the cold floor, in which my past has subsided into.
i am left only to submerge myself into you, its what you deserve.
the stones i have thrown at you, that have made you question our love, has bruised my heart.
the force that left only one way out, never made its way to you, and it is because of you,
that we are here.
thank you, thank you for
letting me shed my mask,
on my time,
in my way,
so finally now I am here, exposed.
for you.

a marking of airs.

the close of one eye.
in the moment of laughter, living with the after
a train ride back to the place of distortion cuts my mood.
with the skyline to the right, i tilt my head to rest upon the solid glass window.
the dizzying pace in which the road lines pass, i am fallen into the lost track of exhaustion.
a startled noise awakens me, to look to my left,
all i see is the far window, in the shape of a O, along its edge a speck that is a black spider moves quickly around its border, silently grabbing my attention, as is replicates the sounds that are playing in my head...
im at this detour of thought watching this web of life being formed in front of me,
it then takes me back, out to the window,
i gaze at this roadside town that exerts warmth, and humbleness.
as we look to the signs that will guide our way through, i just wanna stop.
and intake all this air that surrounds here,
knowing a common thread here, holds whats important close is all i ask for in my life.
when the reality of the clock strikes, making clear that there is rarely a time to stop, for things we want to pause into.
but the ability to recognize whats worth waiting and stopping for is the light at the end of my ongoing tunnel.
with the will to wait and withhold for time to play out,
i can see that there will never be a wrong way out.
as once again we carry on pace with this ride we set ourselves on
i lay to rest with my forearm under my chin,
and may i travel to find more lessons, and new sights
that will bring me to great heights,
just so the wind doesnt fright,
i will close one eye tonight.